Pulled from the Shelves

Rupert Murdoch and Harpercollins publishers started an unfortunate trend this past week when they decided not to release O.J. Simpson's new book If I Did It. Publishing companies nation-wide are jumping on this new "moral" bandwagon and will be pulling the following newly released or nearly released titles from the shelves. There goes my Christmas list.

Let's Just Say We Did Actually Torture a Woman During the Recording of "Love Roller Coaster" -- Would That Be a Good Thing for Our Careers or A Bad Thing?, by the Ohio Players

Wouldn't It Be Crazy if There Was No Justification for the War in Iraq?, by George W. Bush (with help)

Girl, it is True (You are to Know This, Ya?): We Sing Our Own Songs (Why You Not Believe?), by Milli Vanilli

What I Imagine Little Boys Might Taste Like, by Michael Jackson

I Swear I Don't Have a Small Penis and a Low Self-Esteem, So Shut Up, by Gene Simmons

An Extra "Dum" in "Dum-Dum-Dum Dada Dum-Dum": What Would "Ice Ice Baby" Sound Like if I Sampled David Bowie's Under Pressure?, by Robert Van Winkle

How We Sold Our Souls to the Devil In Order to Be Famous (But Not At All Respected): A Work of Fiction, by Jessica Simpson and Paris Hilton

What If I Actually Didn't Pity the Fool?, Mr. T

Seriously, Everyone: I Murdered My Ex-wife and Her Lover (Oops, Did I Just Say That Out Loud and In Print for Millions to Read?), by Sojay Impson

not the TRACK LISTING OF WILCO'S FORTHCOMING ALBUM

1. we talked the dawn
2. drop in a bucket
3. smiles for miles
4. an angel in the needle
5. gunshot shove
6. almost in time
7. I won’t see you anymore
8. confederate messes
9. insensitivity
10. railroaded
11. don't ask me why
12. [hidden track: insensitivity (sensitive remix)]

Cultural Irony and/or Coincidence #5: The Anti-Human Movement of 1983

This morning I was reading through my old diary from 1983 and I came across the following entry:

"Last night we went to Chuck E. Cheese's becuase [sic] I got almost all A's on my report card. I got 3rd highest score on Ms. Pac-Man and David was being stupid about how he's better than me. Even so, I have grown tired of my humanity. What did Hamlet call it? 'This quintessence of dust'? Why am I not an eagle, an oak tree, the Western wind? Why a human? Anyway, I hope mom gets me a Garfield Trapper Keeper for my birthday."

After some investigation, I've discovered that I was not alone in my existential panic. Turns out the year 1983 was ahead of its Orwellian time. In 1983, George Brett illegally put pine tar on his bat, McDonalds introduced the McNugget, M*A*S*H went off the air, and Tokyo Disneyland opened. How can any of this create any excitement about being human. Answer: it cannot.

This same year, however, two short-lived television shows debuted, both reflecting the Anti-Human Movement of the time. On Manimal, "Dr. Jonathan Chase is a wealthy, young, and handsome man with the brightest of futures with a very dark past. From Africa’s deepest recesses, to the rarest peaks of Tibet, heir to his father’s legacy, and the world’s darkest mysteries is Jonathan Chase, master of the secrets that divide man from animal, animal from man, Manimal". In Automan, however, the crime fighter is not a man who becomes an animal, but a computer-generated man (Automatic Man...minus the "matic") who can exist both in reality and comptuer programs.



I urge you to revisit this dystopian era by watching the opening themes to both Manimal and Automan. (See posts below.) It will reaffirm the utter humanity that we are blessed with in 2006 and also rekindle your Flash-Gordon-crush on baby-face hottie Melody Anderson.




(Webster and The A-Team also debuted in 1983...which gave us all hope.)

Automan

Automan Opening Credits

manimal

Manimal Opening Credits

Misheard Lyrics!

Sometimes what we think we hear in songs is so off the mark that when we find out the REAL lyrics, we feel downright silly. Here are a few that have flummoxed me over the years:

1.

Real Lyrics: "Pave paradise./ Put up a parking lot." (From Joni Mitchell's "Big Yellow Taxi")

Misheard Lyrics: "Shave paradise./ Puke up a barking snot."

2.

Real Lyrics: "Sail away with me to another world." (From Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton's "Islands in the Stream")

Misheard Lyrics: "Smell a way with me to a toilet bowl."

3.

Real Lyrics: "What else could I do?/ I'm so inspired by you./ That hasn't happened for the longest time." (From Billy Joel's "The Longest Time")

Misheard Lyrics: "What else could I poo? I'm so inspired by poo./ That hasn't happened for the longest weiner."

4.

Real Lyrics: "Since you been gone./ I can breathe for the first time./ I'm so moving on, yeah yeah." (from Kelly Clarkston's "Since U Been Gone")

Misheard Lyrics: "Since poo poo poo./ I can poo for the poo poo./ I'm so having a bowel movement, ugh! ugh!"

5.

Real Lyrics: "She's got a ticket to ride and she don't care." (From The Beatles' "Ticket to Ride")

Misheard Lyrics: "She's got the ticket to ride and she don't care."

Cultural Irony and/or Coincidence #4: Box-Office Bed Fellows

Not enough has been written or posted on the Internet about the Borat movie (which opens today! click here for showtimes in your area!), so I thought I'd throw one more nugget into the mix. There was a report on Wednesday's Morning Edition on NPR that likened the concern for Borat's success in the box office to that of this past August's Snakes on a Plane (which also has not received its due 'net attention). What's the connection between these two films? Sadly, I think it's just money. Hype and money. Listen and/or see for yourself:

Hollywood Cautious Despite 'Borat' Buzz