Fangoria Murphy: Your New Favorite Band

To celebrate the holiday, I urge you to get intimate with Fangoria Murphy, a band whose legend is overshadowed only by the fact that what they sing is true. Go here to read about them. And then go here to listen to some of their songs.

Be warned: you may be risking the fate of your very soul!

not the TRACK LISTING OF THE DECEMBERISTS' FORTHCOMING ALBUM

1. ode to a wayward debutante
2. gossamer
3. lift me up, o my mountaineer
4. the town cryer
5. fisticuffs at the firehouse
6. courting miss penelope
7. vaudeville vagabond
8. dinghy lost at sea
9. well wisher
10. in my skivvies and dungarees
11. locust, mahogany, and fir
12. the triumphant return of colonel van rensselaer

Celebrity Palindrome...Nearly!

Cultural Irony and/or Coincidence #3: Party of Five

Matthew Fox and Scott Wolf played brothers Charlie and Bailey Salinger in the mid- to late-90s Fox drama, Party of Five. The mysterious connections don't end there:

1. Now both play troubled doctors on back-to-back shows on ABC: Fox plays Jack Shepherd on Lost and Wolf plays Jeremy Kates on The Nine.
2. Whereas the character of Bailey Salinger became an alcoholic while dealing with the physical loss of his father on Party of Five, Jack Shepherd's father reverts to alcoholism on Lost to deal with the emotional loss of his son.
3. Both names are animals.
4. Fox is a fox who was once on Fox. Wolf shops at Wolf Camera and likes the song "Hungry Like the Wolf."
5. Fox went from a party to being lost, which is not a pleasant transition. Wolf went from 5 to 9, which is not the way to make a living.

Also, Scott Wolf looks a lot like ET:

Flock of Sequels #1

The most recent issue of Entertainment Weekly contains a feature on Hollywood's attempt to breathe life into some old movie franchises. While some seem mildly entertaining (Bill and Ted's Disparate Career Paths), most range from the obvious (Conan the Statesman) to the boring (I Know What You Ate for Breakfast This Morning), from the ill-fated and wrong (Another American Tail: Fievel Does Dallas) to the sad and pathetic (Breakin' 3: Seriously, I Think I Broke Something). But one long-forgotten franchise sparked my interest.

This blub from imdb.com:

Three Men and a Young, Nubile Hottie

Steve Guttenburg, Tom Selleck, and Ted Danson reprise their roles as Michael, Peter, and Jack (respectively) in this comedy of errors follow-up to 1990's Three Men and a Little Lady, which was a follow-up to 1987's Three Men and a Baby. Mary (Jessica Alba) is now a 20-year-old Environmental Ethics major at UC Berkley who has come "home" to her three fathers for career and life advice. Still confirmed bachelors, enough time has gone by for Michael, Peter, and Jack both to find a renewed interest in Mary they didn't have as they were raising her and also to forget which of them was her real father. The comedic and sexual tension reaches its height when Jack asks Mary, "Who's your daddy? No, seriously: who is it? Not me, I hope. Cause I want to tap that!" (Sadly, he is her real father.)

Also reprising his role is the ghost of the little boy from the first film, who, because he is a ghost, still appears to be a little boy. His asides directed to the camera ("Here they go again!") add a sass the original two films clearly lacked.

(In production.)

Cultural Irony and/or Coincidence #2: Two J-Lo's

Actress/pop star Jennifer Lopez (Out of Sight, "Jenny from the Block") wouldn't give me the time of day.
Anchorwoman Jennifer Lopez (The Weather Channel) gives me the temperature.

Answers to Celebrity Voltron Logic Problems

On Thursday, October 12th, Hustla of Cultcha presented a challenge to its readers in the form of "Celebrity Voltron Logic Problems". Phone lines are now closed and unless you postmarked your entries by October 14th, it is too late to submit. Thanks to those of you who gave it a shot; unfortunately, however, nobody got any of the problems correct. We were particularly amused by the entries from a young man in Studio City, California, so we'll be sending him a consolation prize. But enough blibbidy blab. Here's what you're waiting for: the answers!

1. William H. Macy + Felicity Huffman = Puffy Face

2. Ashton Kutcher + Demi Moore = Mashed Potatoes in the Kitchen

3. Maury Povich + Connie Chung = Gus

4. Paul Newman + Joanne Woodward = New Pan for a Wood Man

5. Chris Martin (from Coldplay) + Gwyneth Paltrow = Chrisnethmartrow Play

6. Tom Hanks + Rita Wilson = Tito Wanks

7. Justin Timberlake + Cameron Diaz = Jammin' on that Timid Ass

Movie pitch: Dom and Dahmer

Okay, so. Get this: a buddy picture, right? Rob Reiner directs. Kind of in the tradition of The Odd Couple--despite their differences, these two yadda yadda yadda. We get John Goodman to play Dom DeLuise in his prime--you know, the Cannonball Run days--except maybe not his prime, maybe he's starting to get pressure to lose weight, so he decides to leave the temptations of his Hollywood lifestyle to a simpler life in the midwest. Enter our cannibalistic serial killer Jeffrey Dahmer (Brad Pitt) who responds to Dom's ad in the local paper, and the two become roommates. The ironies ensue: for one, you've got a jealous Dom, constantly asking Dahmer what he eats to stay so fit but the thing is that Dahmer is eating people so he never allows Dom to see him eating lest he get suspicious. Then, on the other hand, Dahmer sees in Dom a friggin' Thanksgiving feast so he keeps trying to keep him from losing weight so that when the time is right he can eat him. You can see how these build tension, can't you? In one scene, we use that trick they use in the cartoons when the fat guy and the skinny guy are marooned on an island and the skinny guy looks like a hot dog to the fat guy and the fat guy looks like a hamburger to the skinny guy. Only in the movie, Dahmer looks like a hotdog to the hungry, dieting Dom DeLuise, but Dom looks like Dom with an apple in his mouth and some parsley to Dahmer -- y' know, cause he likes eating people, right? This all culminates in some kind of O. Henry ending where Dom decides that the easiest way for him to lose weight would be to let Dahmer eat some of him. But Dahmer has chopped off his neighbor's head (Morgan Fairchild) and would rather go bowling with it. It doesn't quite have the O. Henry zing to it just yet, but we're working on it.

not the TRACK LISTING OF THE BEASTIE BOYS' FORTHCOMING ALBUM

1. one two one two
2. why you hate me?
3. yahtzee vs. scrabble
4. dynamic!
5. yeah, what?
6. war is wack
7. hold it while I kick it
8. three in ya face
9. rip rip rip it
10. peace of the pie
11. hello dalai (i'm willing tibet)
12. listen to the system

Celebrity Voltron Logic Problems

IF:

Tom Cruise + Katie Holmes = Tomkat

and

Brad Pitt + Angelina Jolie = Branjolina

and

Ben Affleck + Jennifer Garner = Bennifer (II)

and

The President + The First Lady = The Prirst Ladident

THEN:

1. William H. Macy + Felicity Huffman = ?

and

2. Ashton Kutcher + Demi Moore = ?

and

3. Maury Povich + Connie Chung = ? (hint: this one's fun!)

and

4. Paul Newman + Joanne Woodward = ?

and

5. Chris Martin (from Coldplay) + Gwyneth Paltrow = ?

and

6. Tom Hanks + Rita Wilson = ?

and (lastly)

7. Justin Timberlake + Cameron Diaz = ?

All right then, Celebreticians. Get to it. Let's give Us Weekly a run for their money! (If you send your answers in with a self-addressed stamped envelope, I'll send you back a free Planet Hollywod "magic view" placemat and/or mousepad.)

Cutural Irony and/or Coincidence #1

On their 1988 album "It Takes a Nation of Millions to Hold Us Back," Public Enemy had a song called "She Watch Channel Zero?!" (which, given the punctuation, was both inquisitive and surprising). The song had lyrics like this:

Her brains retrained
By a 24 inch remote
Revolution a solution
For all our children
But all her children
Don't mean as much as the show, I mean
Watch her worship the screen, and fiend
For a TV ad
And it just makes me mad

Then, on their 1990 follow-up "Fear of a Black Planet," Public Enemy featured a song called "Burn Hollywood Burn" (featuring Ice Cube and Big Daddy Kane (dramatic, asiatic, not like many)). Some similar motifs arise here:

Get me the hell away from this TV
All this news and views are beneath me
[...]
Hollywood or would they not
Make us all look bad like I know they had
But some things I'll never forget yeah
So step and fetch this shit
For all the years we looked like clowns
The joke is over smell the smoke from all around
Burn Hollywood burn

More recently, in the second season of Flavor of Love (Public Enemy's own Flavor Flav's follow-up reality TV show to his appearance on season 3 of The Surreal Life and then Strange Love), there is a stripper pole on a bus. See it for yourself here:

clip from Flavor of Love, season 2

Did you count the number of E's in their names? Now, go here for some highlights from the first season:

New York's Greatest Spits

Is Chuck D sad? Is he mad? When he gets mad, so he claims, he puts a pen to the pad and huh! gives you something that you never had. See for yourself:

Who's Your Hero? from Chuck D's Terrordome

not the TRACK LISTING OF RADIOHEAD'S FORTHCOMING ALBUM

1. on humming wires
2. lost, loster, lostest
3. arithmetriculation
4. tone deaf
5. we have nooses
6. i'll be fine
7. somnambulate
8. league of nations
9. morning bell ('06)
10. the setup
11. [untitled]
12. he die

d a s h b l a n k d a s h

d a s h b l a n k d a s h

bibbity boopity poo

yadda yum yum